he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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