I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We left the knife in your bed.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
