3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
