If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
