Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He felt like a one man threesome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
