My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
