we have pet lesbian snakes
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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