I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
