When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
