you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize