im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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