My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
