Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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