shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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