he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Shame is for Republicans.
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