I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
