not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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