its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
