it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
