Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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