I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
