Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My ATM looks so different sober.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
