hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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