overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
