Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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