Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We are two peas in an std pod
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
