I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
