i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
