I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
