dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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