I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
