I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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