i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
