This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
