I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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