Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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