he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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