she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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