I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
