Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
