I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize