I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
