Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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