Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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