I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
