Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
