Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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