Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
