Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
