I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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