There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
