FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
