Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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