So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
