I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
