Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
