Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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