Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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