i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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