if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize