my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
