Already got asked if we're dating
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
